Angel's Library

When Peppermint opens the door to the hideout, she’s surprised to find that no one else is there.

It probably shouldn’t. They’re all fairly busy with work. But usually, at least 808 and Chai are here. There aren’t any signs of them being around. No music or humming; no meow or pattering of paws coming to greet her.

Peppermint shrugs it off. They probably just went for a walk. Both of them tend to get restless after a while.

She heads to the kitchen to get a snack. She hasn’t had anything to eat since lunch, and that was hours ago. She could always just order some food, but she’d rather wait until Chai gets back. It’s less hassle to get something together. Although, he might get something to eat while he’s out… I guess I could text and ask.

As she gets her phone out, Peppermint can’t help but think how weird it is that she’s so used to living with someone already. For a long time, it was just her and 808. She figured it’d take a bit for her to get used to living with another person again. But it didn’t take long for Chai and her to develop a routine. It probably helps that they basically already had been living together for a little while.

Hey where r u?                                                 
R u gonna eat out?                                                 

Somewhere, she can hear his text tone go off. Peppermint sighs. Of course he didn’t bring his phone. She should go get it and put it somewhere he’ll find it easily. Otherwise, he’ll tear through the place looking for it.

She calls it so it’ll be easier to find.

Heading in the direction his ringtone is coming from, she finds herself walking towards her room. Her brow furrows.

Generally, Chai is pretty good about respecting her privacy. He doesn’t really mess with her things or look through her stuff. In fact, he doesn’t ever go into Peppermint’s room. Not unless she’s in there. He did read her diary that one time, but he swears up and down it was an accident. And she believes him. After all, hiding it under the couch and then telling him that said couch can be his resting spot wasn’t exactly a smart move. Not to mention that it wasn’t labeled correctly…but anyways.

It raises a very important question: why is his phone in her room?

Peppermint tries to think back to this morning. She’s pretty sure he didn’t come wake her up. Was he in her room at all yesterday?

The call getting picked up interrupts her thoughts.

“Hey, Pep, what’s up?”

Chai’s voice comes from both her phone and her room. She’s a few steps away. The door is partially closed.

“Uh…Peppermint?”

She steps forward, opening the door and ending the call.

“Chai, what are y—”
She freezes, her eyes going wide.

There, sitting on the floor in front of her mirror, her makeup scattered around him, is Chai. His eyes are wider than the moon as he stares back at her. His phone is in his right hand, held up to his ear. In his left is an eyeliner pencil. It’s held up near his face, like he was just about to use it. Most of his face is covered in makeup. The left half is completely done; eyeshadow, mascara, the works. The right is just missing the eyeliner and mascara. It looks pretty good, honestly.

808 is sitting next to him. She looks back and forth between him and Peppermint, her own eyes widened.

“Uh—hey, Peppermint,” Chai says, a nervous smile spreading across his face. “When, uh—when did you get back…?”

For a moment, she’s too stunned to reply. She blinks a few times and shakes her head.
“A few minutes ago. What—why are you—?”

Suddenly, he’s frantically picking all of the makeup stuff up and putting it away.
“Don’t worry about it! Sorry! I’ll—I’ll put all of your stuff away, uh—”

“Chai—”
“This’ll just take a sec—”
“Chai.”
“There, all done! I—uh—I’m gonna—”
“Chai!”

He leaps practically a foot in the air. Slowly, he turns to look at her. “Y-Yeah?”
“What’s going on?” she asks. It comes out more exasperated than she meant it to.
“Nothing!” he squeaks. “Nothing at all! Just, y’know, me being stupid! Haha!”
She frowns. “Chai—”

Before she can finish, he pushes past her. 808 meows loudly, hurrying after him. Peppermint is quick to follow.

Chai races into the bathroom, slamming the door in both her and 808’s faces. 808 mewls, scratching at the door to be let in. But it doesn’t budge.

Peppermint knocks. “Chai, c’mon—”
"Chai’s not here right now!”
“Chai…”

Silence.

She sighs.

After another moment, she turns, leaning her back up against the door. She slides down to the ground. 808 climbs into her lap, looking up at her solemnly. Peppermint gently scratches the top of her head as she processes what just happened.

 

— — —

 

Chai inhales shakily, his back pressed up against the door. He squeezes his eyes shut as he slides down to the floor. He curls up into a ball. The beat is loud in his ears. He feels hot and itchy.

Oh man, oh man, oh man… Peppermint must think I’m a freak. Why did I think that would be a good idea? I’m so stupid…

It was fun. It made Chai’s chest feel funny. In a good way. And he felt…beautiful.
But now he feels sick to his stomach. There’s a familiar pressure behind his eyes. In fact, this whole situation feels uncomfortably familiar.

You’re such a freak! What’s wrong with you? Fuckin’ sissy…

He curls into himself further. His prosthetic arm digs into his legs. But the cold metal feels nice. The tile floor does, too, now that he’s thinking about it. He’s sweating like crazy.

Chai takes a deep breath. I need to calm down.

Slowly, he uncurls, stretching his legs out. He keeps his right arm close to his chest, tugging on the collar of his shirt with his left hand.

It’s been quiet for long enough now that he figures Peppermint and 808 left. But he can’t bring himself to get up and leave. Every time he thinks about it, he wants to curl back up and die.

That’s fine. He can just…stay in here forever. They’ll be fine without him. Probably won’t even realize he’s gone.

He’ll miss petting 808. And playing his guitar. Hanging out with the gang. Eating pizza and ice cream and mac and cheese. Walking outside, lounging on the couch…most things, really. Chai sighs. I guess this is just the price I pay for being an idiot.

It’d be nice if he had something to pass the time, but maybe it’s better this way. He’ll die of boredom quicker than anything else.

“Hey, Chai?”

He tenses up. Oh no. They’re still there. Maybe if I don’t say anything they’ll go away.

Peppermint sighs when he doesn’t respond.

“Look, um…we don’t…have to talk about what happened if you don’t want to. But I—” She sighs again. “I don’t know. I just…want you to know that…it’s okay.”

He blinks. Huh?

There’s a pause. For a moment, he thinks that she finally left. But then she continues.

“I don’t mind that you used my makeup. It’s not like I ever really wear it, anyway. And, uh—I might not…get it. But if you…if you ever want help, or anything…I wouldn’t mind. Helping.”

Chai stares blankly ahead, trying to process what’s happening.

“I’m not…super good at it. Like I said, I don’t really wear any of that stuff much. It’s a lot of work, and I—well, I never really cared enough. Most of it’s pretty old by now, y’know, gifts from holidays and stuff…”

He turns so that his side is against the door instead of his back, his ear pressed up against the wood.

“And—well—y’know…um…” Peppermint makes a weird noise.
808 mews encouragingly.

“I don’t know. I don’t want to assume anything. I—I don’t want you to…feel like you have to explain. Because you don’t. You shouldn’t have to. Like I said, if you don’t wanna talk about it, we don’t have to. But I think you should know that…”

She trails off.

Chai places his hand on the door.

“This doesn’t change anything,” Peppermint states. 
Like it’s the simplest thing in the world. Like it’s some kind of cosmic truth.

A beat passes.

In the next, Chai finds the strength to pull himself up and open the door.

 

— — —

 

As soon as Peppermint hears the door starting to open, she hauls herself to her feet. 808 sits down next to her, her tail curling around her paws.

Through the slight opening, they can see part of Chai’s face. He’s staring at Peppermint with wide, wet eyes.

“Are…you okay?” she asks when he doesn’t say anything.
His brow furrows as he seemingly considers his words. Then, he nods. “Yeah. I think so.”

She clasps her hands behind her back, waiting to see what he’ll do. She won’t bring it up unless he does first. No matter how curious she is.

Peppermint’s expecting him to find something else to talk about entirely. Because they generally don’t talk about stuff like this. She still doesn’t really know about what Chai’s life was like before coming here. If he even had a place to go back to. He never said; she never asked. They haven’t really talked about Kale or…anything else that happened, either. It’s just not something she likes to think about. He clearly doesn’t either, otherwise he’d have brought it up.

CNMN would definitely be disappointed in them.

“I, uh…I guess I owe you an explanation,” Chai says. He opens the door a bit more. His gaze is on the floor.
Peppermint’s eyes widen. Then, she shakes her head. “No, no, Chai—you don’t owe me anything, okay?”
His brow furrows. “But—”
“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“I…” He trails off, rubbing the back of his neck.

808 chirping catches both of their attention. She pads up to Chai, her gold eyes shining.

He smiles as he finally opens the door the rest of the way, reaching down to pick her up in the same movement. She happily lets him hold her, purring when he starts scratching behind her ears.

It must give him some courage, because after a moment, Chai says, “I wanna talk about it.”

Peppermint’s brows go up in surprise. She nods in response, not sure what to say. Then, she heads over to the couch, plopping down onto it. She pats the spot next to her when he doesn’t immediately follow.

Once Chai is seated with 808 in his lap, he sighs.
“I’m…honestly not sure how to explain. I don’t really get it, either.”

“That’s okay,” she says. After a second of consideration, she suggests, “Why don’t you start from the beginning?”

“Uh…yeah. Okay.”

He takes a deep breath. 808 nuzzles against him, mewing encouragingly.

“I got bored earlier, and decided to flip through some of CNMN’s fashion and makeup magazines,” he explains, looking away from her. “I couldn’t stop looking. They just all looked so…pretty. It made me think of how nice I felt when my...friend used to practice makeup on me. I thought it’d be fun to try it for myself.”

He has a small smile on his face. It quickly disappears. “But, y’know, I didn’t wanna go out and just buy some. I mean…what would everyone think?” He laughs. It’s a small, sad sort of sound. It doesn’t suit him at all. “I don’t even know what stores sell that stuff, anyway.”

Peppermint bites the inside of her cheek. She doesn’t want to say the wrong thing. Doesn’t want to scare him off. Getting Chai to open up about…basically anything is a task in a half. The fact that he’s doing it right now is insane. One wrong move, and he could clam up.

“I don’t think anyone would mind, Chai,” she eventually settles on saying.
He laughs again. This time, it’s more bitter sounding. “I don’t think you’ve met people.”

Something in her coils. A wave of anger washes over her.

“I have, actually,” she retorts.
He winces.
“And those people, whatever they said or did to you—they’re wrong.”

Chai looks at her, his brows raised in surprise.
808 is nodding her head in agreement.

“If you want to wear makeup, then do it. Who cares what they think? They’re just a bunch of assholes!” Peppermint reaches out, resting her hand on his shoulder. “And if you wanna do other stuff, like…try dresses or skirts—that still applies. They don’t get to tell you what to do.”

“I—” Chai inhales sharply, interrupting himself. He starts rubbing at his eyes.

“You can cry, too,” she says. “It’s okay.”

He lets out a strained laugh as he covers his face with his hands.
“I don’t wanna cry! It sucks!”

Peppermint can’t really argue with that. Not entirely, at least.
“Yeah. It does in the moment. But you’ll probably feel better after.”

“When did you start being so…emotionally smart, or…whatever?”
“I dunno. I guess I learned a thing or two from CNMN.”
“Damn them and their therapy-ness…”
She snorts. “Chai, that doesn’t even make sense!”
“Whatever! Words are hard, okay?!”

She shakes her head as she gives his shoulder a squeeze. She can feel him trembling. 808 meows, pawing at Chai’s hands, which are still hiding his face from view.

Eventually, he takes the hint. His hands drop. The one that lands on 808 she nuzzles into, getting him to start petting her. He doesn’t look at either of them as a few tears roll down his face. His makeup is smeared, but it’s still mostly intact.

Peppermint can’t help but admire it now that the surprise from earlier has passed. The gold and orange eyeshadow complements his eyes. The light red lipstick he has on goes well with it. His mascara and eyeliner are the most messed up. But what remains of them still looks good.

She finds her gaze wandering to the magazines he was looking at earlier. They’re near the couch on the ground. One of them is open and flipped to a page with a smiling girl. She has brown hair and brown eyes. Her makeup is almost exactly the same as Chai’s.

“They just all looked so…pretty.”

Peppermint looks back at him.

“Do you feel pretty?” she asks.
He looks at her. “What?”

“Earlier, you said that when your friend did your makeup it made you feel nice. So…do you?”

 

— — —

 

Chai feels a lot of things right now. Tired. Kinda gross. Happy. Upset. Confused.

Do I feel pretty?

He catches sight of his reflection in his arm. Something warm bubbles up in his chest. A grin spreads across his face.

“Yeah. I do.”
“Good,” Peppermint says. She smiles.
808 purrs as she curls up in his lap.

The beat thumps pleasantly as an indie folk instrumental song plays. He hums along to it as he pets 808.

“Can I ask you something?” Peppermint asks, breaking the brief not-quite silence.

“You just did.” When she glares at him, he quickly adds, “But sure.”

“Are you trans?”

Chai’s brow furrows. Am I?

He’s never really thought about it before. Should he have? What even makes someone trans? Is it super confusing like this is? Or do you just know? Both? Neither?

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” Peppermint says.
She looks worried. Or sad? Maybe both.

“I don’t really know,” he admits with a shrug.
“That’s fine. You don’t have to.”
“I don’t?” he asks. “Shouldn’t I know that sort of thing?”
“I mean…I don’t think so. It’s something you figure out.”
“Huh…how do I do that?”
“Figure it out?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, how did you figure out you like girls?”
Peppermint sighs. “Chai, I don’t think that works the same.”
“Why not? It’s finding out who you are, right? Same principal.”

“It’s principle, ” she corrects. Then sighs again. “I guess you’re not entirely wrong…”

She trails off and doesn’t continue, a frown on her face.
Chai tilts his head. After a moment, something clicks in his head.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. It’s not a big deal.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to…I just…”
“I can figure it out on my own. You don’t have to—”

She makes a frustrated noise. “I want to help! I just—I don’t know how. ”

“Whaddya mean?”

“It wasn’t a whole thing. I just…figured it out,” she explains. “I realized girls were pretty. That was the beginning and the end of it.”

“Wow. I didn’t know it could be that simple.”
“Yeah, well…I always thought it was.”
“Maybe it is. Maybe I’m just overthinking it.”

Chai takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. Think simple. Should be easy enough.

Am I trans?
That…kinda feels right. Like it makes sense. He’s not entirely sure how, it just sort of does. The song from before plays on. The beat is calm and steady.

Am I a girl?
That feels…less right. Like a half truth. His player shuffles, but it can’t seem to land on a specific song, leaving him to listen to only the first few notes of each one it goes to before skipping. The beat is just as chaotic.

He really wishes his player didn’t respond to his emotions or…however it works. With the beat the way it is right now, his chest is starting to hurt. Chai’s already feeling gross from crying earlier. He doesn’t want to add a malfunction or something onto that.

“I think I am? But I don’t think I’m a girl. If that makes sense.”
“So…non-binary?” Peppermint asks.
“Maybe?” Chai shrugs. “Is there a thing for being like…sort of a girl?”
“I think so, yeah. I’d have to look it up to make sure…”

She pats her pockets, probably for her phone.

As appealing as learning more about this whole thing is, Chai really wants to take a shower. Or at least change. Peppermint was wrong when she said he’d feel better after crying. Well, partly. He feels a little better. But he doubts that it’s because he cried.

He rubs the back of his neck. “Can, uh…can we do that later, maybe?”

“Um…yeah, sure. We can do it whenever you want to. I need to find my phone, anyways.”

“Pretty sure you left it in your room,” he says as he picks 808 up, moving her to Peppermint’s lap.

She huffs. “Of course…”
“Can you get mine, too?”

808 tries climbing back onto his, but Chai stands up before she can. She mewls.

“Can’t you get it yourself?”
“I’m gonna take a shower.”
“Oh—sure. I’ll put it on the side table.”
“Thanks, Pep.”

With a final scritch behind 808’s ears, he heads for his room to get some clothes and his towel. Before he can get very far, though, Peppermint gently grabs his hand. He looks back at her and raises a brow.

“When you’re done…would you mind doing my makeup?”

His other brow goes up. “Wh—really?”
“Yeah. Yours is great. You look amazing. ”

For a moment, Chai doesn’t know what to say. He can feel the tears building up again. He beams.

“Only if you do mine.”

Peppermint grins back at him.
“Deal.”